Saturday, October 27, 2012

The obvious and the understood...

      Spare me if the title doesn't justify what I am going to rant about, and yes this is a rant so gleefully skip if you are happy.

        Last night while I was chatting with NC (my cousin sister, who is studying gynaecology in some remote college) We both have a very happy life, we are both happy with our professions (*not exactly happy, I guess the correct word would be successful, working and earning enough for a living*), we are average looking and our parents are proud of us (ye ye ye) . We are not burdened with the usual get-married-soon-rant from our parents, though they do once in a time talk to us about it, but not been forced like the other friends. NC said the obvious yesterday, she said she was alone, she felt very lonely - the obvious, but something we din't want to understand. Busy with our careers and always thinking we were complete
in our own lives, we never thought we'd need a partner. I guess she is stronger when it comes to this. I am not, I gave up long back.. but then a break up followed and things are really not that great in my life too... She is alone and lonely and I am lonely in a crowd and it hurts.. It hurts to be alone and it hurts when you know you have someone but you are still lonely.. But this was what we wanted right - a stable career, acceptable looks, a degree, a group of people we can call friends, a good happy family, siblings and cousins who understand us and stand by us - but we dint know we'd face this some day. I feel lonely too I told her, she said she is happy she works weekends and I told her how I dread weekends. Though I am happy drawing, painting,singing, dancing all by myself, but then again what more do I want ? Why do I want some one to talk to? Why ? Why can't I be alone and happy? NC said she wants to get married, it was like yesterday when we laughed at mum and aunty for talking "MARRIAGE" to us. I don't know what to say, this was the obvious just that we dint want to accept...
      And then again thinking about a new relationship, I feel so tensed. I am such a big loser, couldnt keep the one I had, then how do I assure myself that I am ready to take the leap and say an "I DO" to someone.. Why is life so complicated? What is wrong with me? When the feeling to belong to someone and to have someone all  for me makes my inner lady smile, why does she in a split of a second give me that devillious grin and provokes me to think if I can really do this... OMG.... I wanna be happy like the other gals out there, happily engaged and then happily married... but doesn't look that easy to me... And believe its the inner turmoil, I don't trust myself anymore.. I am scared..
       Hope NC gets someone real soon.. One lucky guy he is going to be :)
Am so uncertain about myself though !!

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